Four Loko … Why did I do this?
There comes a time in every boy’s life where he reaches the gates of manhood. Most find this entry through a father, or father-like figure, taking them through an experience of sorts along the lines of a walk-a-bout or camping trip. Maybe for you it was the first time you were allowed to take out the 67′ Mustang? The time you had your first religious experience? When you met the love of your life? …or, quite possibly, was it the first time you decided to do something so stupid that you can’t even remember it?
Tonight, well, tonight is the night I become a man. Not only will I be paralleling a religious experience with a blackout, but I will attempt to log the process of what Four Loko does to a person for your knowledge. I would be naive to assume that this will not only entertain you, but also frighten you. My hopes are that through my experience with the drink they’ve nicknamed “blackout in a can” that you find humor first and foremost, and then tragically you will gain an understanding of the dangers of Four Loko through my stupidity.
Four Loko’s potential danger comes from mixing a stimulant (caffeine) with a depressant (alcohol). When alcohol and caffeine are combined people report feeling reduced sensations typically associated with alcohol believed to result from caffeine counteracting the depressive effects thus keeping the individual more alert. However, when the caffeine wears off the person feels the full effects of the alcohol. This can lead to excess consumption of alcohol because the delayed feeling of drunkenness leads an individual to seek additional alcohol to obtain the same sensations as those found in previous encounters.
Let me preface my experience with this: I can drink. A lot. I know my limitations VERY well and I’m careful when I do consume alcoholic beverages. I’m also a very active athlete. I consume a lot of water throughout the day, have a very strict, healthy diet and I exercise regularly. My mind/body was not ready for what I did.
Drinking is not smart. Drinking Four Loko is not smart. You should not drink it. You should not hang out with anyone who drinks it. It is dangerous and stupid, but I did it and you get to read what happened.
This happened, just like this. The only edits, additions and/or changes to the log were made for any spelling, grammatical errors or typos.
04:55 PM (tweet) – …and so it begins. I’m on my way to the adult beverage store to buy any remaining Four Loko. #FourLokoFriday
07:56 PM (tweet) – Dinner at Red Rock, a vodka press with it. Yes this is pre-Four Loko, no judging.
08:22 PM (tweet) – Vodka press #2 and dinner still hasn’t arrived. This will be a long night.
09:17 PM (voice recording, 31s) – Attempting to leave myself a personal message convincing myself I have not even yet begun to drink. I fail very convincingly several times at leaving this message until I finally just blurt out, “I might be tipsy, but I haven’t eaten since noon. I don’t make excuses, but it’s the beginning of the end. Why am I doing this?”
09:21 PM (tweet) – First drink of a lemonade Four Loko taken. It tastes like someone peed in a dog bowl and I fell face first in it.
09:26 PM (tweet) – 1/4 done of the lemonade. Still tasting horrible, I feel nothing but I know I will.
09:36 PM (tweet) – The last drink was worse than the first. How is this possible?
10:09 PM (tweet) - A cat is trying to rub on me. Go away cat.
-Note: Jon and Lori’s cat Tex likes me. A lot.
10:28 PM (tweet) - On the way to drop my car off. My 2nd Four Loko done. Better than the first, but only because I can’t taste anything anymore. Going out now?
10:52 PM (tweet) – Where am I?
11:19 PM (tweet) – Arriving at Edna’s.
11:30 PM (tweet) – Two Four Lokos down. At Edna’s. Beers. Lunchboxes. People.
-Note: Every time I buy a drink, I buy a beer. It’s a habit.
11:35 PM (tweet) – People from highschool. Why god why? What did I do to deserve this?
-Note: I’m not the biggest fan of running in to a lot of people from my past.
11:44 PM (tweet) – Back to the car for more Four Loko. I am not the center of attention in Edna’s and this makes me sad. My 3rd Four Loko makes me happy.
-Note: Hysterically sad, but true.. and funny.
12:15 AM (tweet) – Why do I subject myself to OKC bars when I just run into people I know? Go away. You’re just mad that you aren’t me.
-Note: I am very arrogant when I drink.
12:21 AM (tweet) – 4 lunchboxes.
12:23 AM (tweet) – 4 lunchboxes, 2 Four Loko, 2 vodka presses, numerous beers and a whole lot of partying.
12:58 AM (tweet) – Made it to Speakeasy. I need to use the restroom. Where is it?
01:14 AM (voice recording, 10m 19s) – Recorded a conversation between myself and a group of people that I know when I ran into them at Speakeasy. Here are some excerpts from the recording:
“It’s like drinking a monster that tastes kind of sour. That’s what it’s like.”
“It’s not a normal wasted.” —— “Normally when you go, ‘I’ve had a enough I’m done’ it doesn’t happen. You actually go, ‘YEAH LET’S TAKE SOME MORE!’ and that’s what happens. It’s like vodka redbulls. At the end of the night you really just ask yourself what you’ve done and why you did it.”
“I would like to publicly state that I beat up the Jolly Green Giant. Hey Chris, remember when I beat up that Jolly Green Giant and you were here? You’re very serious. Do you remember what I was wearing? I like you though, you did a good job when I was here.”
“Apparently you shouldn’t climb the fence to get back into Speakeasy when you’ve been thrown off the property my friend. Oh, and don’t dance with a dancing bear because they might be dancing, but hey, it’s still a bear.”
01:31 AM (tweet) – Why is it like Looney Toons. Where’s Roger Rabbit?
-Note: I know Roger Rabbit is not a Looney Toon when I’m sober, apparently I don’t when I’ve drank Four Loko.
02:00 AM (tweet) – Seriously.
02:15 AM (tweet) – Attempting to get my best friend to disco dance in front of Taco Bell.
02:26 AM (tweet) – My bestfriend is drunk at mi casa. I am consoling him.
02:50 AM (tweet) – Heart to heart with a best friend. The last phrase muttered was “please stop breathing.”
03:10 AM (tweet) – Why is my life the most random occurrences put together.
Note: I decided to attempt to leave to go find more of a “party” some place. I made it down the stairs, to a car that wasn’t mine, attempted to open door of said car and realized (this is the best decision I made all night) that I was way too tired (not drunk) to drive. I returned to my home.
03:35 AM (tweet) – Am I doing things wrong? I tend to upset people without trying. My intentions are good but people come away upset. What did I do? #confused
Note: At this point my drunken debauchery/shenanigans had successfully made several people in my life upset with me. I’d like to be able to blame alcohol, but I think in reality I’m just a jerk.
Note #2: I passed out somewhere between 4:00 AM and 5:00 AM.
8:59 AM (tweet) – I’m alive, but I feel worse than death.
